How do I stop wishing we had you back? I doubt I ever can or will. After reading your brother's lovely post about your first Christmas in heaven I am again reminded that you are in a place more beautiful, more perfect, than human minds can fully comprehend. It is selfish of me to wish you could be here again. After seeing what you have seen I know you wouldn't want to leave, nor would I want to take you away from that. As much as I know and am reminded you are "here" with us still, in my selfishness I want more. I want to be able to talk to you and laugh with you and ask you for advice. I want to verify memories with you...ask you if things really happened the way I think they did because in many cases you are the only other one who knows. I want to have lunch with you and go Christmas shopping. Even though we both would enjoy the lunch way more than the shopping. Remember the time we both tried to cram all of our Christmas shopping into one day at the Mall of America and without bringing any bags to the car? We were so crabby by the end we barely had words. I want to call you and discuss the recipes from the last episode of Top Chef. I want to make plans with you. I want to hear about trips you want to take and restaurants you want to try. I want to bask in the glow of the wonderful friendship we had. The kind that was always exactly what it needed to be: us leaning on each other and figuring out life's obstacles together with plenty of smiles and laughter to keep us sane. Instead I will hold you in my heart, dear friend. I will take you with me wherever I go. I will whisper to you in quiet moments and talk out loud to you like you can hear me. I will smile when something reminds me of you. When I see a green Prius I will say hello as if it is you in the driver seat. I will keep you with me even though you are so far away. I will never let you go. My Christmas wish is that all of us who love you and miss you so desperately can feel a heavenly peace on that blessed day and can feel your presence with us as we fondly remember you on our first Christmas apart. -Kay
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