It seems as if 4 years has passed by in an instant. I can see Mom at her last party, jingling all the way on the bus that Katie rented. I remember burying her on New Years Eve, missing the sparkle and joy in her eyes forever.

I can see Dad talking about the fact that he had very little time left, perhaps 3 years, he felt in his heart. Every moment was a precious one. Every day a joy to be with him. In that time we were able to spend, we all became so close, spending time that most don't take the time to do. Our lives were entwined in our love for our parents and for each other. We shared the good and the bad, laughing and crying. I have so many precious memories ... from eating Thai food together to singing Karyoke with the "Pointer sisters review", which would not have been complete without a tambourine. We spent many days at the hospital and many nights crying ourselves to sleep.

We watched helplessly as our parents died in front of our eyes. We grieved together, as a family. We worked together. We went through every scrap of our childhood and tried to come to grips with what had happened.

The absolute overwhelming loss of Katie is impossible to explain. It is impossible to fathom.

Katie, as you so often told your closest friend, you are our rock. We miss you more than we can say, and we sit and ponder what could have been.

Every night I look at my home and think of you, laughing, crying, talking, and discussing life. You were wise beyond your years and your influence will go on forever.

I love you.

Jean

A sad anniversary....

Four years ago today, we lost mom. You, Jean and I spent those last weeks with her caring for her and talking for hours and hours. Over the past four years, we gathered to spend time with or care for dad. Again, talking for hours and hours. In both cases, we had time to say our good byes. To take some time to come to grips with what was happening. You were taken from us so suddenly. We had no time to brace ourselves for the loss we would feel....

Today is a sad anniversary. Mom's death was so difficult. Dad's was so very sad, but he was so ready to go and be with mom and with God. Your passing was devasting. The grief I feel is so very profound... I do find some comfort that I know you are all together.

Be with mom and dad and find peace and comfort together with them and all of the angels and saints in heaven. I love and miss you all deeply. -- Mary

My Christmas Wish

How do I stop wishing we had you back? I doubt I ever can or will. After reading your brother's lovely post about your first Christmas in heaven I am again reminded that you are in a place more beautiful, more perfect, than human minds can fully comprehend. It is selfish of me to wish you could be here again. After seeing what you have seen I know you wouldn't want to leave, nor would I want to take you away from that. As much as I know and am reminded you are "here" with us still, in my selfishness I want more. I want to be able to talk to you and laugh with you and ask you for advice. I want to verify memories with you...ask you if things really happened the way I think they did because in many cases you are the only other one who knows. I want to have lunch with you and go Christmas shopping. Even though we both would enjoy the lunch way more than the shopping. Remember the time we both tried to cram all of our Christmas shopping into one day at the Mall of America and without bringing any bags to the car? We were so crabby by the end we barely had words. I want to call you and discuss the recipes from the last episode of Top Chef. I want to make plans with you. I want to hear about trips you want to take and restaurants you want to try. I want to bask in the glow of the wonderful friendship we had. The kind that was always exactly what it needed to be: us leaning on each other and figuring out life's obstacles together with plenty of smiles and laughter to keep us sane. Instead I will hold you in my heart, dear friend. I will take you with me wherever I go. I will whisper to you in quiet moments and talk out loud to you like you can hear me. I will smile when something reminds me of you. When I see a green Prius I will say hello as if it is you in the driver seat. I will keep you with me even though you are so far away. I will never let you go. My Christmas wish is that all of us who love you and miss you so desperately can feel a heavenly peace on that blessed day and can feel your presence with us as we fondly remember you on our first Christmas apart. -Kay

My First Christmas in Heaven

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can’t compare

with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I’m spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do

For I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

( by Author Unknown)

Your bro Matt

Katie,

I miss you. I want you to know that from my heart. You touched so many in such a short time and we are all thankful that you were there. We all share memories of our time with you. Somehow you always touched us, deeply. Everyday you spent making sure we were okay, your capacity to fill so many lives is greatly missed. Everyone's life is emptier without you. We think of you constantly - sometimes laughing out loud at the things you did. We admire your life and hope we can be a bit like you as we go on without you.

We all miss you ...

Let it Flow

Tears
How wonderful it feels to give in and let tears flow when we are overwhelmed with emotions, whether we are happy or sad. Tears come from the soul, from our well of feelings rising from deep down. When we give in to the prickling behind our eyes and the lump in our throat to let teardrops fall from our eyes, we allow our feelings to surface so they can be set free. Proud parents shed tears of pride in a child’s accomplishments, a baby’s first step, birthdays, and graduations. Long lost friends fall into each other’s arms, tears rolling down their cheeks when they reunite after years of separation. Tears may flow from us when we are witness to a commitment being made at a wedding or even while we are watching a love story. Tears of relief may spring forth from our eyes when we hear that a loved one has survived an ordeal, and tears may fall when we bow our head in sorrow over a loss or death. Tears born from heartache can flow like they’ll never cease, whether our tears are for a love that is over, a friendship lost, or an opportunity missed. We shed tears because of disappointment in ourselves, tragedy in the world, pain, and illness. Tears of anger can burn with emotion as they fall down our faces. Tears offer us a physical release of our feelings. Shedding tears can sometimes make us feel better, although it can feel like the tears will never end once the floodgates are open. There is no shame in letting tears flow freely and frequently. Tears are as natural to us as is breathing. There is beauty in allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to shed tears. Open up, release your tears, and let your feelings flow.

My Daily OM

Matt

Sis,

How do we go on without you when you were the center of our universe? Everyday, every moment, I grieve. I can't imagine life without you, yet every day I am living it. I keep thinking, maybe, just maybe today, it won't hurt as bad as it did yesterday, but it hurts ... nothing changes, I keep longing for you to call me, to be here so that I can share my life with you.

I didn't understand how much you influenced my thoughts when you were with me. You were just my sister, keeping me going, hoping, laughing, loving life. You are special, you are a gift that I am so glad was in my life, and I keep thinking why can't I share just one more moment with you. Why can't we sit and watch TV talking about insignificant things, sharing life. Every time I needed you, you magically appeared ... you were there for everything.

I miss you, I love you, and I want you to know that every moment counted for me ~ and every person in your life feels the same way.

Jean

The wrong tense...

I started writing here a few times, more than a few probably.  I just couldn't bring myself to write in a tense that didn't fit.  Writing in the past made everything real and I'm sure those of you closer to Katie have a "more real" way of dealing with her loss - I'm further away and have not had a way to process this in a way that makes sense.

Today is the day I begin down the road that so many of you started down a month ago.  It makes no sense, I'm sure, but then again I'm writing about Katie and let's face it - a lot of what she did was spur of the moment, made no sense to many onlookers and was steeped in either some generally simple purpose or she arrived at the way she thought in a way that was much more complicated than any of us would have got there, but it ended up making sense.

Last night I got home around 2:30 in the morning and I realize that for many people that is an hour where the party gets started - I know it was with Katie and I thought about a time when she and Gina were riding in a shopping cart together at that exact same hour.  The foreigners we were with thought it was cute and we'd just left a club and had a great time.  I'm not sure who had the idea that the way back to the hotel was best served by shopping cart, but when I got home I looked at that picture and realized that it was something that would stay a memory forever.  I hate that it is a memory today rather than a memory much later, but it is a memory today.

Anyone who knows Katie knows that her love for all things ghost or haunting related are fun, for her, and terrifying to those of us who are subjected to them.  When I looked at the picture early in the morning and had a sudden desire for Neil Diamond.  So, I played it.  Over and over again I listened to the same song - didn't matter which one - and I "felt" that Katie was there.  You see, I didn't say good-bye the way I should have.  The last contact I had with Katie was an email a week or two  before I heard that she left us.  I think it was that good-bye, the one I talked with someone about not having, was the thing that forced me to have a heart to heart with myself and Katie to do it.

So - to Katie's friends and family who were much closer than I all I can say is that I know what you're going through is hard and what you want and need is right there - each other.  Without that nothing matters and as Katie lived life so fully I think what I learned last night was that we have to do the exact same thing.  I don't know how I process all of it yet, but I have been able to go through the most difficult part of grief and been able to say that Katie is not here today, but what is is her memory and to a lot of us her soul - not the soul that is surely raising cain in Heaven, but the soul and breath for life that she lived so fully.

For as long as it took me to be able to talk about Katie in the past tense it will take me that long to get to the next "stage" (whatever it is).  BUT, the good thing is that I know Katie is out there taking care that everyone she ever touched, every baby she held, every person she was friends with and every shopping cart she pushed or rode in is well aware that Katie is not gone - she is just as much here as she ever was.  Only we cannot talk to her, cannot email her, cannot touch her and cannot do anything more than remember and love.

To her and to her family - that should come as a comfort and to her friends I think that is a good thing because it proves to me one inalterable truth: we are never alone.  Katie's love for ghosts will attest to that and all the rest of us will know when the desire to do something out of the blue hits us - something that only Katie would know or something you did a long time ago - that she is probably pulling the strings from wherever she may be.  

Knowing her - she is waiting for Jennifer Love Hewitt to channel her to scare the hell out of everyone, but I wasn't scared when I listened to Neil.  I was thrilled.  I'm not ready to talk in the past tense about Katie, but my writing this was my way of having a therapy session with the only people who would have ever known what in the world I was talking about. 

Thanksgiving wasn't the same without you ... Mary and I went to the casino in your honor. After goofing around for some time, we tried to find your favorite machine, Wheel of Fortune. We searched in vain for some time, but saw Mom's "fishing game". We sat down and started playing. In Mom's tradition, we were losing, but suddenly a young boy walked by with a yoyo. What a bizarre sight to see in a casino ... we kept playing and suddenly we heard a haunting tune coming from the yoyo ... Happy Birthday to you... In shock we turned around - and gaped at the boy! All of the sudden, the machines went wild and we we couldn't lose. Thanks for coming to share your birthday with us, it was a magical time - somewhere in the mist of the casino you were laughing, your big smile lighting up our lives for a moment.

Jean

I really can't think of my childhood without thinking of Katie. Thinking of my parents cabin and Katie, I laugh. I remember my dad giving us such a hard time and joking that when Katie came with, he would have to bring an extra five gallon container of water (no running water) for Katie and me. You see, even though we were in the middle of the woods, literally, and didn't see any other people than my parents and brother and sister, we would need to wash our hair daily, put on as much makeup as we brought, and look pretty. We, of course, had the latest teen magazine for the all important tips on how to apply all that makeup. Oh, we had so much fun!
Annie

Flaming bananas on Old Highway 52 - or - Katie orchestrates a dinner party

One of many great memories I have of our college years with Katie happened at the start of our junior year. We had just moved off campus to a place called The Doll House which was situated between two houses full of men. Come to think of it, the entire block was made up of houses with only male tenants. Right next to us was the Stucco house, inhabited by eight boys and on the other side was a duplex with about ten more. As a kick off to the school year and a way to get to know our neighbors, Katie decided it would be a good idea to invite them all to dinner. By junior year most of our new friends were used to a steady diet of pizza and cafeteria food with a little ramen thrown in for balance. This was definitely not what Katie had in mind. Not only would we invite probably 15+ guys for dinner but we would make her mom’s famous chicken spaghetti with all of the proper accompaniments – garlic bread, salad, and for dessert bananas foster. That’s right, a flaming after-dinner treat to culminate our feast. The only stipulation was that these men had to bring their own plates and utensils as we were a little short. Looking back on it I’m not quite sure how we pulled it off since we had maybe one decent sharp knife to our credit and a hodgepodge of beat up pots and pans salvaged from garage sales or discarded by our parents. Nevertheless at the appointed time the boys arrived to find a bubbling pot of spicy, cheesy, chicken-y sauce on the stove. Katie also made sure there was a back up pot of traditional spaghetti sauce, just in case the aforementioned concoction proved too spicy for anyone’s delicate palate. We needn’t have bothered because this wasn’t the case. All of the work scooping vanilla ice cream into individual-sized portions and pre-freezing them ahead of time paid off after the meal as the lights were dimmed and Katie proceeded to flambé the bananas, complete with a sprinkling of cinnamon at the end for a touch of added pizzazz. These guys didn’t know what to make of their new crazy female neighbors with their apparent cooking skills and desire to entertain. I think they were sure they had done something right to be lucky enough to move in next door to the likes of Katie and her sous chefs. To be certain it was her kitchen, and we were just along for the ride. After all stomachs were filled we left the dishes to soak and made our way to the local bar to toast a successful meal and the company of our new neighbors and friends. It turned out to be one of many dinners we threw for the boys on our block that year and the following. They have Katie to thank for the variety in their diets and the warmth around the table at our house. She was the one with the imagination and the ambition to pull off parties like these, all in the name of being neighborly and gathering friends to celebrate something as simple as a Thursday night, just because we could. We basked in the glow of flaming bananas that night and forged friendships that continue to this day. Our ring leader is now watching us from a better place but we will do our best to continue the sense of hospitality and fun she taught us what now seems so long ago. And when we flame the bananas, we won’t forget the cinnamon, and of course we’ll drink a toast to you. -Kay

I Thought Of You Today

I thought of you today

But that is nothing new.

I thought of you yesterday

And will tomorrow, too.
I think of you in silence

And make no outward show.

For what it meant to lose you

Only those who love you know.
Remembering you is easy

I do it everyday.

It's the heartache of losing you

That will never go away.

-your brother Matt

Happy Memory

Katie hosted dinner at her house, like she did so often. Chicken spaghetti and wine were consumed. After we ate she wanted us to see her new bed. She also wanted us to feel how soft and comfortable it was. Next thing we knew, six grown women were all cuddled up on Katie's Vera Wang mattress. As this wasn't the most common occurrence it seemed appropriate that a photo be taken. I look at the happy smiles on our faces and remember what a fun night this was. Katie had such a talent for bringing people together. It was important to her that we take time out of our busy lives to gather, laugh, eat, talk, and enjoy each others' company. I'm glad she did this for us. It leaves so many good memories to help us through the sadness we feel now. She was our "cruise director" and we are so thankful. -Kay

Dear Katie,
I will try my best to sum up how much you meant to me. You were not just my aunt- you were my godmother, my nanny, my "mom", and mostly my friend. You were my comfort and the first person I would call when something good or bad was going on in my life. You were always there when I needed you... and you filled my life with experiences. Whether it was hitting up every sushi place in the cities or movie nights/sleepover parties, every moment with you was an adventure. You blessed my life with so many great memories, that I will never let go of. And I will continue to live as if you were still here guiding me through... I hope I make you proud.

Love Tiffany

Happy Birthday Katie,
You are constantly in my thoughts. Young people are not supposed to leave this world before their elders. I miss you and have been thinking about you and the life you have lived in just a short period of time. You have accomplished more in those years well lived than most "older" people I know. You knew life, you embraced it, you lived it to the fullest. You had an understanding of family and friends and you cherished them all. Not many can claim achieving that understanding in their lifetime.
I watched you as you grew throughout all stages of your life. I knew you were someone special at a very early age. I saw you struggle as an infant, overcome difficulties, accept them, understand them and move forward with strength to deal with what life handed you. You made the most of it and all those experiences made you stronger and the person you became as you matured.
Know that you are missed by many. That is a legacy in and of itself. I love you Katie and I want you to know that you are missed. I also know that you are in a better place and know that you have achieved your goal of finding happiness. This is faith in its fullest aspect.
If there is a happy hour in heaven, Desiree and Aunt Betty will be there.

Aunt Donna

Happy Birthday Katie! I miss you so much. I never realized what a comfort it was knowing you were here, because now that you're not, the desire to see and talk to you is almost too much to bear. All the memories we share are not enough. I want to have more with you. I do cherish the ones I have. Some so vivid I can see and hear every detail with you, and the ones that aren't, I try so hard to search for those details, I long to talk with you because you would remember...This Thanksgiving I am especially thankful for you. I love you and admire you, I don't know if I ever told you that. Those feelings only grow stronger with every story shared and memory told by all who loved you. Happy Birthday Katie.
Love always,
Annie

I miss you...

My Katie....
My mind swims with wonderful and colorful memories of you and how you lived your life. Everything, no matter how small or insignificant, was grander because you were part of it. It was such an adventure to be around you. 34 years was not enough - but what you packed into that short spanse of time was more than anyone could imagine.

Any one touched by you was loved unconditionally. You had a special talent for making everyone in your life feel special. In truth, you were the one who was so very, very special. Those of us who had the privelege of going along for the ride are much better people for it.

You lived life so big and so bold! The world is so much smaller without you in it....
Happy Birthday Katie. I miss you and love you.
Mary

What Is Dying

Thank you to all who gave there heartfelt sentiments through your expressions of love and cards. Out of the hundreds we received, this particular card stood out.
- Matt Guzik

A ship sails and I stand **

watching till she fades on

the horizon and someone at my

side says, "she is gone."

Gone where?

Gone from my sight, that is all;

she is just as large as when I

saw her.

The diminished size,

and total loss of sight is in me,

not in her, and just at the moment

when someone at my side says

"She is gone," there are others who are

watching her coming, and

other voices take up a glad shout,

"There she comes!" and that is,

dying

Happy Birthday, my friend

I still can't believe my birthday wishes are being delivered to you in this way. The urge to pick up the phone and call you remains so strong, particularly with tomorrow being your birthday.
I know you will be experiencing a birthday celebration unmatched by anything possible on earth. I picture angels singing and unimaginable beauty surrounding you...and of course Wally and Carole right by your side. I certainly hope there is cake! We wouldn't dream of taking you away from all of that but selfishly we want you here with us. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, even more than I do all the time already. If I could have one wish it would be to hug you again. I will try to smile and remember the good times and the birthdays past. The night with the big green bus and the North East bars comes to mind. Nobody celebrated a birthday quite like you :) Happy twenty fifteen Katie! Perhaps you can feel my hug in heaven. -Kay

When I think of Katie, there are so many memories. Her red velvet boots, Mickey Mouse sweatshirt - complete with Mickey Mouse ears, enticing her to be good when babysitting by rewarding her with M&Ms, the many vacations she took as a child, with cousin Annie right by her side, and so much more. My head is filled with bright visions of Katie. Our parents would tell "the girls" to bring Katie with us to the horse barn - she was terrified of all of the animals and Mary and I would take turns having her ride piggyback on our shoulders the whole time. I can see the light in her eyes as if she is still here. Katie and I had many evenings of playing bar bingo together. She was the luckiest bingo player I have ever met. She would yell "Bingo" at the top of her lungs and just laugh and laugh. One night she won 4 bingos in a row, looked around at the crowd who were beginning to be annoyed at her luck, and with a twinkle in her eye said, "Do you think I can get one more?"

I long to pick up the phone and hear her say, "Jeeeeaannnieee, whatcha doing?" I always meant that she was planning an evening of fun. Every moment spent with her was a joy from our long talks about life, chatting about her next adventure, or just laying on the couch watching Top Chef.

A week before she died, Katie told me that she was ready to have some adventure in her life. She had spent the last 4 years taking care of our parents, which she did with as much love as any child could ever have done. She felt that she had been taking care of several people and now it was time for "Katie". I was so excited. Katie was going to climb Machu Pichu, go to the Galapagos Islands, and take a vacation to vist my brother in Montana. She was so excited and there was such a sparkle in her eyes.

It seems impossible to me that she is gone. The hole that has been ripped in my heart will never heal, but I can't help and smile everytime I think of her. I thank God every day for each moment Katie was in my life, for those moments are some of the most special I have ever experienced.

Happy Birthday Katie. I love you.

Jean

A little Neil for you...

It feels appropriate to lead off with a little Neil Diamond. I know how much she loved him, yet I don't know for sure what all of her favorite Neil songs were. Thoughts, memories, from all of you who rocked with her to Neil either live or recorded? For inspiration, here is some vintage Neil compliments of YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmP43qsAXvk

-Kay

Someplace to Start

When we don't know what else to do, sometimes it helps to write. While we try to deal with the loss of our beloved Katie, it might make us feel a little better to share stories, memories, and photos of this girl who meant so much to so many. If you would like to post here and don't have the info, please send an email to kbruni22@frontiernet.net. I will give you what you need. Hopefully people will check in often to remember, reminisce, and help each other get through each new day without her here. -Kay